Life is so unpredictable. One day you feel so comfortable and the next day you are totally wrecked. One day you sit down and you reflect, you compare and contrast a little and immediately you become unhappy. It starts with questions, simple text messages, clarity, conversations and then realizations. You realize your dreams are only yours. You realize what you thought you were building is one-sided. That’s your fault. The proof is in the pudding, believe what you see and investigate what you hear if it’s even worth it because a “wolf ticket” will keep you waiting and waiting and waiting until one day time punches you in the throat and you choke on your realizations and feel like you’re dying. Dying from the times you talked yourself into staying in something that wasn’t founded on the same expectations.
I call it “The Frodo Complex”. Do you remember Frodo from “Lord of the Rings”? He was enamored by “the precious”. It controlled him to point of insanity. That’s how we are as women. Some of us become so enamored by the thought of the ring and the wedding that once we feel like we are close to it or deserve it we convince ourselves that we are getting one. We will stay, we will ride or die, we will cook, we will clean, we will have children, we will play the role of a wife and do all these wifely things until we realize “he ain’t marrying us” most times this doesn’t happen until years down the road.
Or we get him to marry us because we give him an ultimatum that shakes his very being and still end up unhappy because we forced him to do something he didn’t want to do or wasn’t ready for or agreed to do because he needs help not love. The ring is way deeper than us impressing others or accomplishing a desire we know nothing about. We just envy things we are not a part of or don’t have.
Listen…everybody around me was married. When I say Everybody! I mean “Err body”. I had been a part of a bible study group and everyone was single when I met them in 2012-2013. We were “Sisters in Christ” we held each other accountable, we prayed, we spent time with one another and everyone desired marriage.
Around the end of 2014 and all during 2015 every single woman in that group start meeting men, good men and marrying them one by one. I was like “wayment”. We were all just single.
Seven of these ladies out of ten became married by 2015 or engaged! Wow Seven! That’s exciting! Those were only the people in my study group, if I counted co-workers, family members, former colleagues, college friends and high school buddies my stomach would hurt. I was still excited because I could smell my summer wedding coming. I knew what we prayed for but with every engagement photo, wedding announcement, invitation, reception attendance, wedding gift and congratulations…I started losing my cool even more because my ring wasn’t anywhere in sight!
I was trying to figure out what I didn’t do. Did I not pray, Did I not fast, Did I not tithe, was I not good, Did I not serve, Did I not give? What was it? What wasn’t I doing that was stopping me form getting my ring? I was confused, irritated and impatient. I needed to chill.
I wanted a flipping ring! By any means necessary. I wasn’t beneath an ultimatum and at this point I was about to use the Malcolm X initiative. Where was the loyalty! Geesh! It became too much on me. That’s too much pressure for something that you don’t understand or comprehend because you are so blinded by the materialistic side of it. The pictures, the name change but not the covenant not the work. So when you get this into your feelings and preferably before you are in need of a “Come to Jesus” a “God Guided” conversation with yourself and the authority about your heart desires, because at this point you are tripping. So since I am most definitely my “Father’s Daughter”, I spoke with him about everything. I was honest, humble, open-minded, aware and I was all ears because I didn’t want to miss anything. I wanted God to say something like “tomorrow, you will get your ring tomorrow”.
After praying and taking everything into consideration that God revealed to me, I realized that I was making “the precious” my idol. I had grew to idolize marriage, that I wanted to be married so bad that I didn’t realize the grace that I had been granted in my disobedience. I wanted God to get me married and I was just talking to him like he was my best friend. I forgot to worship him for who he was and what he had done for me, I was only focused on what I wanted and not with what it takes. Once I had that revelation I begin to change a lot of things for the better. I had to obey first I could think about marriage later.
I also learned that people don’t always do relationship with the intentions of getting married and sometimes we make that up ourselves. We get an idea and we push the agenda. It’s good to have someone who know what they want because marriage is two people not one!
We as women also like to play the part without any reciprocation. I like words so from now on I stick with definitions. I will be a girlfriend if that’s my title and a wife if that’s my title.
I will let the man pursue. I can’t make no man do anything he doesn’t want to do or isn’t ready for. Who wants a marriage they forced someone into? That’s not genuine and that may not result in happiness.
I am not my friends and they are not me. We were all in different seasons. I will celebrate theirs and mine.
Two tears in a bucket….Life goes on and experience is the best teacher.
God is still good and I’m here for whatever his will is.
Don’t become obsessed with someone else’s season or blessing. You don’t know their entire story. Some of my friend’s testimonies will bring you to heaving tears of joy. It’s easy to view someone’s “highlight reel” on Social Media and wish you had that. The reality can be very different. So just chill and become a better you until your time comes. Don’t obsess over the precious!
Lifting you all up endlessly.
Blessings and Peace.
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