Being single is either a choice or an inevitable situation. We like to think that we are single by choice, but most often that is not the case.
So you ask yourself… “Why am I single?”
I asked myself this question several years ago and I was forced to evaluate previous relationships, Objectively! Post evaluation, I determined that being single was more than a choice, it was inevitable for me. I realized in that moment that until I addressed my deficiencies and gained realistic expectations, that I would remain single.
So, here are some things I considered when determining why I was inevitably single.
1) Are you are fixed on your EX?
Do you have the occupied sign on your forehead? Sometimes we don’t realize that we are warning off potential mates/partners because we are still stuck on an Ex or have yet to deal with unresolved issues from previous relationships. Closure is a necessity for a reason. It is important that you make sure to gain closure on past relationships and clarity on why you all didn’t work out, in order to better yourself for your next partner. There is no way you can go into a “new” relationship with “old” baggage.
2) Are you stuck on “the List”?
Got a list of 25 or more items your partner or potential partner must have? If so, you’re single because your mate doesn’t exist. We like to think that we have “standards” but the common misconception is that standards are often confused with expectations. We cannot always assume that people will act as we want them to, that is unrealistic. So is “the List”! Let it go! Having standards is different from having unrealistic expectations. Standards are qualities with moral consideration that you require from another individual. In opposition to expectations, which are assumptions or a pre-determined set of behavioral responses or beliefs you anticipate another individual will comply with. Let’s not confuse the two.
3) Are you playing games?
Are you fond of game playing when being single, but when you decide to be in a relationship old habits follow? In order to be open to a new relationship, you must check your games at the door. Relationships are for people who want to seriously get to know someone and are open to exploring the possibility of long-term partnership/marriage. Mind games and/or playing hard to get send the wrong message. Your potential mate/partner is learning who you are by what you show them. If they know you to be something you are not, when you try to show them the “real you”, they will either dislike the “real you” or “not recognize” you and walk away. If you are open to a “new” relationships but can’t get rid of “old” single games, you will remain single.
4) Are you in a “Situation-ship”?
One of the joys of being single is that you can be free to date as often as you like. However, if you believe that “situation-ships” are “relationships” you will be single forever. In order to be open to a new relationship we must let go of “situation-ships”. One common misconception is that “situations” turn into relationships after years, but if you didn’t set the boundaries or standards of the “situation” before it began, chances are you will be in that “situation” until you walk away. You don’t want to miss out on your potential husband or wife because you’re in a “situation” do you?
5) Are you waiting on a “Fairytale”?
While it is great if you believe that your potential husband or wife will sweep you off your feet, you are closing yourself off to the reality of dating if you believe every encounter will be graceful, effortless and romantic. WAKE UP from your daydream. Just because you want love to come to you as it happens in the fairytales or movies, doesn’t mean it will actually happen that way. Ever notice couples who have been dating for ten of years or more start the story of how their love began with “I didn’t want to talk to him/her” or “I didn believe (s)he was the one”? It’s because the first encounter probably wasn’t ideal! Nor did the individuals have fairytale expectations of how it should have occurred. Don’t set yourself up to fail with the unrealistic “fairytale” expectation.
6) Are you scared to Date?
Doesn’t matter how or when you meet someone you will eventually need to “date” them. So what are you insecure about? Start by answering that question to determine why you are so afraid to date. Maybe you are not comfortable with answering questions about yourself. OR You fear saying the wrong thing. Dating is all about being comfortable in the skin you’re in! If your single and scared to date, you should probably stay single and learn to date yourself. If you don’t know you, it will be impossible for anyone else to get to know you.
7) Are you sure you know what you need?
Are you one of those people who cannot articulate what they are looking for in a mate or know how to identify it? Most often people draw of a list of dos and don’ts and/or must haves but have a hard time identifying those qualities in a mate. When you are approached, be sure to be open to conversation so that you don’t assume a potential partner has what you’re looking for, when in actuality you’re blinded by desired physical traits. Also, make sure you can identify with who you are (your personality) and know who you’re compatible with. Not all the time those you want are compatible with you. You need to consider what you need versus what you want.
So ask yourself, why am I you single? Is it by choice or are you doing something to make being single inevitable?
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