Me: How was the date?
Friend: It was nice. He was a complete gentleman. The conversation was great and the food was amazing.
Me: Awesome, so when is the second date?
Friend: [long pause] Well, I don’t know. He asked me out but I am not sure if I am going to go.
Friend: He was nice and all, but he is just not my type. He is just too nice.
If I earned a dollar for every time I had this conversation, I would be on the Forbes List. What is too nice? Are women of a certain age still looking for a bad boy? I hear women complaining all the time that there are no good men out here, but I see good men vying for their attention and getting shot down. It seems like some women tend to give the nice guys the cold shoulder and the bad boys get first dibs on their hearts, bodies and minds. I am not suggesting that this is a norm but it happens more often than not. I understand that all women want to feel protected by a man who walks with a certain level of confidence. Women, from the city especially, have seen a lot happen in a day and a man who is not street savvy could be more of a hindrance than a help. I get all of that. But if he treats you nicely and provides you with mental stimulation what would be your reason for saying he is too nice?
Do you like to dominate? Are you most attracted to men with issues? Whether its baby mamma drama, a pending court case or mommy/daddy issues, do you like to dominate and be the one who understands or fixes his life? Some women want a man to come to them rough around the edges so that she can smooth him out and take the credit. This type of woman cannot fathom a man coming to her fully intact. She especially cannot figure out her role with a man who is assertive and confident, let alone a gentleman. This poses a problem to her psyche because if he is nice and is not needy he can focus on her – and her shortcomings may rear their head and [gasp] he could possibly fix her [double-gasp]? Let him – you may need it.
Do you expect the worst? Do you find that you have rarely been treated with respect? Have you been physically, verbally or emotionally abused by previous men in your life, thus your attraction to the bad boy? In a very twisted way, this type of women has gotten used to a lack of chivalry or simple niceties throughout her experiences in relationships. She possibly has little to no clue that she has not been dating safe, loving and respectful people. She is used to the guy who is late all the time and does not pull out his wallet for anything. The fact that this guy showed up smiling, eager and willing to treat her like a respected woman, is foreign and a bit uncomfortable. Expect the best this time.
Do you feel unworthy? Do you not feel like you deserve a nice man? When a man holds the door, pulls out the chair or pays for a meal, do you feel indebted and uncomfortable? Do you often say things like “You don’t have to do that” or “I can do it”? This woman has low to no concept of worthiness and acceptance of good treatment. She may have some past sin (or some misguided asshole’s opinion) that she thinks hinders her from expecting or deserving this type of treatment. Forgive yourself.
I had to really dissect the semantics and I could conclude that there are men that are too agreeable. I would not say too nice but I will admit that women can smell a man who is needy and would would do anything for a woman of interest. This does not however make him too nice – this makes him vulnerable to a woman who is a predator. Yes I said it – women can be predators on good men who just want to be loved. In this case, one of my friends may put it like this, “Girl I would walk all over him and he is too nice.” In this case I would just chalk it up to him not being a challenge and honestly – I wouldn’t want to date a yes man either. But check yourself girl friend – why would a man’s willingness to do things for you be the green light for you to be an opportunist. That says nothing about him and everything about you. Maybe you need to learn how to be nice Ms. Missy.
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